By Drew Garrison
I like to stay up to date on the happenings in the world. I thirst for information on politics, international issues and the latest gossip about Prince William and Kate. I am also a liar. I couldn’t care less about any of these things. If it’s not on ESPN then I don’t really care. So I have to turn to other places for my worldly knowledge. My greatest source of information comes from my Twitter followers. I didn’t understand what #occupywallstreet was. From what I understood it was lots of people who liked to sloppily write down their problems on a piece of paper and take pictures of it. Turns out it was a bit more complicated as pointed about by the great Kevin Shively. In 140 characters he described it this way “end the fed, fuck Nordstrom, I hate my parents, I have no job, find me a job, I’m stoned, did I mention I hate my parents?” Needless to say I totally get it now. So I figured hey if these people can stand on the street waiving signs instead of just working than so can I. But I’m low on poster board and I got a Justin Bieber concert coming up so I’m going have to just #occupysports here on Thirddownback.
When it comes to sports these are the players, coaches, teams and sports related things in general I would occupy.
#occupyNBAlockout These owners clearly don’t know what the hell they are doing. Owners pay $21 Million a year to guys like Gilbert Arenas. On the flip side these uneducated players (cough Kevin Garnett cough) are showing up to negotiations with nothing but fight music playing in their Dre beats head phones. I need to intervene. 50/50 split. No contracts over 4 years. And David Kahn must be tarred and feathered.
#occupyFootballgameannouncers There are some gems among you but overall you are terrible. You will be sacrificed and somehow I will channel all of your souls into Gus Johnson and Keith Jackson. This of course will make them immortals and give them the ability to call every football game. You’re welcome America.
#occupyOaklandRaidersfrontoffice The Raiders have done a truly amazing job of remembering Al Davis. But eventually you have to move on. Of course you can’t do that when you trade away two first round picks for a Quarterback who hasn’t been good since 2006. It’s time to intervene. The front office cannot be trusted to make responsible decisions anymore. Your fans deserve better. I will come in and stop drafting for speed and bringing in players that destroy locker rooms. Which is exactly what Carson Palmer will do when Jason Campbell comes back.
#occupyOaklandcoliseum Actually maybe the fans don’t deserve better. After years of blackouts the Raiders finally started selling out the
stadium. Now they are having issues again. You have a great team! Show up and support them. I threaten to move the team and inspire the fans to act. If they don’t I move to San Jose or LA. Before the Jaguars get there.
#occupytampabay Speaking of bad fans got me thinking of the worst fan base in all of sports. The Tampa Bay Rays fans. You have an
unbelievably talented team and you still don’t show up. On a radio show a Rays fan tried to defend the lousy attendance on the fact the Rays hadn’t played the Red Sox or Yankees enough. Are you kidding me?! The other team should not be the draw. This is where I step in. We move the Rays or fold them up all together. There are plenty of other deserving cities who will appreciate what they have. Im thinking Sacramento.
#occupyTomBrady If I have to explain why you would want to occupy Tom Brady then we might want to look into some help for you. I’m a Jets fan and I still want this guy’s life.
#occupyTimTebow Just to see if he can in fact turn water into wine.
#occupymettaworldpeace Metta has to be one of the craziest/smartest people on this planet. He went into the stands and brawled with fans! But everyone has forgotten that and now he gets invites to compete with dancing on the stars. How does someone make that move?! He really is a
genius. So we are going to occupy his house and make him explain how you go from public enemy number one to that awkward basketball player on Dancing with the Stars. Oh and also the guy that thanks his psychiatrist after winning a NBA title. Amazing. I would take Metta and run him for president. The only thing that can save this country is a little bit of crazy and thats where Metta comes in.
#occupyRickReillyonTV Rick Reilly is so painful to watch on TV he makes me want to gouge my own eyes out. Watching him try to convey any emotion is like watching a Porn Star trying to sell that she really is an innocent housewife with a broken washer. Sorry lady I don’t believe you and you have no idea where that wrench has been. So I say we storm ESPN and lock Reilly in a room where he can only write articles for the website and live in Bill Simmons shadow.
#occupyathletesontwitter Actually never mind. Let’s let them do their thing. They are digging their own graves. Ha
#occupyterrelowensworkout Cause no one else did. And I want him to feel special.
#occupyhandsomemansguide I would occupy this group because you’re guaranteed to have a good time. Check this out. Boom!
Now let’s get into some picks!
Last week 6-7
Overall Record 49-50-4
Losing record….. Terrible