As predicted here the sports world is incredibly boring right now. I’m sorry Gilbert Arenas but your ridiculous Tweets are just not getting it done for me. Plus I already knocked out my list. Recreating Ocean’s 11 was amazing! So I scraped the bottom of the barrel and reflected on the past week in sports with this edition of Pop Passes.
Just as easily could have been the Premier League draft. I don’t know if the Premier League does that but let’s just run with it. (The Premier League is a soccer league in Europe. Don’t feel bad for not knowing.) The one saving grace of this draft was David Stern. Every time he walked on stage he would get booed. Could you imagine get booed 30 different times over a span of a few hours? How do you not give in and motherf$^k the crowd? Clearly he had his pigs in a blanket earlier and was happy. (Sterns favorite food) I also loved his reaction before every name he had to read. He looked like a kid at the national spelling bee who didn’t know how to spell the word but couldn’t ask for a pronunciation. Overall the night was a bust. Minnesota did however manage to trade for about 30 more guards so that was pretty hilarious. Guys like David Kahn really make me feel like I have a shot to be an NBA general manager. Someday… Someday.
Full disclosure. I am a Kings fan and I wanted no part of Jimmer. In fact I pleaded on Twitter and Facebook for Geoff Petrie not to draft him. Clearly he didn’t refresh his page in time. Ridiculous! Come on Geoff, this is why we are friends! Just because you spell your name funny doesn’t mean you can ignore my completely fake relationship with you! Anyways back to the Jimmer. I will support him fully now because he is a King but if you were not in this area you would not believe the love that is being showered on him. I honestly don’t get it. He can shoot the lights out but if you look at his college resume it ends there. And good god I hope I am completely wrong about him but I don’t get the excitement now. Could it be the fact that he’s white? Maybe. But a white American hasn’t been relevant in this league in a while. I don’t make the rules. It’s just science.
Women’s World Cup
The fact I’m even mentioning this is a clear indication how bored I am right now. ESPN is really trying to sell the World Cup hard. I’m sorry but I’m not buying. I’ll get on the updates I need on it when it’s a scrolling headline on Yahoo. And did you know our women are ranked number one in the world? How does a team from the United States be the best in the world and a majority of people have no idea who they are? I know one. Hope solo and the only reason I know that was because I couldn’t find the remote when ESPN did a feature on her. The only way this event is relevant to me is if it immediately goes to penalty kicks and if you win you have to rip your shirts off. Sexist? Absolutely. But any sport that women play, that is also played by men, is terrible to watch. Why? Because you know how much better it could be. Except for volleyball. On the beach. With lots of celebrating. I’d rather watch women there.
This subject probably deserves its own article. But when I think about how all of this has unfolded only one thing comes to mind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA suck it Dodgers. You douche bags deserve all of this!
I don’t watch tennis. So I can’t knock it. I know it’s very popular. Plus lots of funny stories have come out of it. Like Tennis stars having their parents removed from the match. That is hilarious! Sorry Mom and Dad but you need to get the F out. Ha ha. Also do you know why tennis players grunt when they hit the ball? Anyone? It’s to mask the sound of the racket hitting the ball so your opponent doesn’t know how hard you hit it. That’s not very funny but it is pretty interesting. And now you are a little bit smarter. You’re welcome.
I mean Metta World Peace. I freaking love this guy. I can’t way till his autobiography comes out. Can you imagine all the crazy shit he will talk about? Let’s play a game. Two Truths and a Lie.
Ron Artest would drink before games in Chicago.
Ron Artest goes Marlin fishing with an AK-47.
Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist during his finals post game interview.
Confused? Well you should be cause Metta World Peace is absolutely nuts. You can’t rule any of these things out. But this is what you have to do when you become the most hated man in the NBA. After the melee he had to reinvent himself. He figures well people already think I’m crazy. I might as well embrace it. And boy did he ever. Thank You Metta World Peace. You make life way more interesting.
Tiger Woods Want to know how bad ass Tiger Woods is? That fool signed an endorsement deal and he doesn’t do anything anymore! Except for growing slightly creepy beards. The deal with Kowa Company Ltd. is geared only toward the market in Japan. Woods is endorsing “Vantelin Kowa,” a heat rub used to relieve muscle and joint pain. Clearly the population of Japan has no problem with sleazy cheaters who fooled golf fans for years! Way to keep it classy Japan. At least we Americans make the athlete win before we forget their terrible discretions. (Cough… Kobe… Cough)
As I said before it’s a boring time in sports right now. Hopefully this gave you some entertainment. I assume ill receive some backlash over my women’s sports comments. But that’s ok. Cause they can chase me. Because I’m the hero this world deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So they’ll hunt me because I can take it. Because I’m not a hero. I’m a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight. (Dramatic music)